Spilling The Tea, Part 3: Destroying my Longest Friendship
Spilling The Tea, Part 3: Destroying my Longest Friendship
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Hello hello!
I’m very happy to see you here this week. After the first two installment of ‘Spilling The Tea’, I received a large amount of out-pouring support from everyone who related to the stories. I read every single message with a smile, and really, all of your messages covered me like a warm blanket. Hopefully, sharing these things with you has been a warm blanket to you, as well.
Dear reader, you’re almost like a friend of mine. Hell, you are a friend of mine! However, if we’re friends, then I need to start being more honest with you: I haven’t always been the protagonist in every one of my stories. What if I told you that sometimes, I’m not always the good guy, and sometimes, things fall into a grey area?
One of my closest friends, Katie, used to read my blog. Katie and I shared an 8+ year friendship that started before my tea blog took off. This friendship also started before her career took off, too. We initially met on an online chatroom dedicated to tea. While in this online chatroom, the topic of music came up. During this conversation, we talked about being mutual fans of the same band. With this conversation, we learned that we had more in common with each other than once initially thought. Shortly thereafter, we became virtual besties.
You know the moment in each and every one of your friendships, when you just knew that your friendship was cosmic? Like, an astral event that only the Gods could create, for your paths to align at just the right moment?
This event happened when I opened my private chat with Kaite and saw a distressing message from her.
“I just moved across a brand new city, and I’m locked outside of my new apartment. My landlord isn’t answering. What should I do?”
Katie lived in another country than me, and there was nothing I could do, except, provide an ear. We lived thousands of miles away from each other, and yet, just being there for Katie was enough to help her.
Katie was in a transition of her own - she was moving across the country to start her new professional caree. As for myself, I was in a transition of my own — I had been recovering from homelessness, as a result of coming out of the closet as gay.
Although we were facing very different life events, it was sort of the same, right? We were both relocating to a new place, both starting new chapters in our lives, and we had the support of each other.
Katie and I would message each other on and off and sometimes go periods without hearing from each other. We would like each other's photos on social media, throw ideas back and forth to each other, and support each other’s journeys.
However, all of this changed when the 2020 global COVID-19 pandemic hit.
The world shut down.
All tea spaces shut down.
Everyone went inside and locked the doors as the world went dark…
Katie and I were affected by the pandemic, however, things didn’t really change. Katie and I had made most of our friendships through virtual spaces, and although the outside world around us was having a crisis, Katie and I were not. While everyone adjusted to doing everything virtually, Katie and I were already there.
Our friendship blossomed as we had regular virtual tea sessions with each other, and over the next two years, we had virtual tea parties with each other, as well as with other tea bloggers. Katie was moving up in the company she had worked at, and I had moved from Missouri to Colorado. Despite the changing atmospheres of the worlds around us, we still had each other.
In fact, Katie and I joined a semi-regular virtual D&D game that my ex had hosted for us (yes, the same ex from last week’s story).
We had mastered the perfect virtual online friendship.
Until we didn’t.
Like they say, not everything gold can stay.
Last year, I started to mentally down-spiral. I had referenced this downward spiral on my blog several times in the past year (including my 8th blog anniversary post and my pride-essay post).
Without going into the details of it (and without turning this week’s post into a full-length novel), I’ll give you a quick break-down:
I lost several important friendships, as well as an 8-month-long planned partnership with another tea company, all within the same 2 weeks. This, when added to being socially secluded, resulted in me being suicidally isolated.
Ok, reader, we should now be on the same page!
While in this social isolation, I spent upward of five months in a row without having a hug from anyone. Without meeting any friends in person. And worse of all, Katie dropping off my radar…
I sent a message to Katie.
1 message turned into 2.
2 messages turned into 2-3 weeks of silence.
I would see ‘read’ on my messages from her and started to get concerned. Katie was still posting content to her social media on an everyday basis, and still liking other friend’s posts. So, why was I receiving the silent treatment?
It’s safe to say, I got paranoid.
At this point and time, I had my only in-person friendships fall apart and had the rest of my virtual friendships fall apart as well. I thought I was safe with Katie, so I never thought to question it. She had always been there, right?
Until staring at the ‘read’ message in our chat. It was like a taunt; a reminder that the final person in my life was falling out of it.
A reminder that I had failed at this relationship.
One night, as my suicidal isolation hit its peak, I climbed to the rooftop of my apartment’s parking garage, looked over, and contemplated jumping. While doing so, I received a concerned message and eventually, a phone call from one of Katie’s best friends.
She talked me out of my panic and talked me into seeking help. And, that’s what I did. I went into therapy and started working on my issues.
Except, I still couldn’t manage being ghosted by Katie.
So, what did I do? I ended up confronting Katie.
In my confrontation, I asked her why she disappeared. I asked her point-blank what the problem was, and where all of this was coming from.
I expected to be left on read, and to my surprise, she replied.
She explained that her pet had died, and in the middle of it, she got COVID-19 and was sick for one of those weeks. She had fallen into a mental health episode herself.
When asking her why she didn’t say anything, and why she kept posting to social media on a regular basis, she said, “It was healthy for my mental health to keep as much normalcy as possible.”
I couldn’t understand. I wanted to understand, but I couldn’t. As much as I wanted to argue and stand up for myself for feeling hurt, I decided to ignore it. In lieu of ignoring it and trying to move on, I got even more paranoid.
After the coming weeks, I started questioning why Katie’s best friend was the one to help me and not Katie. I knew Katie was going through her own issues, but, she hasn’t been avoidant before, so why was it an issue now?
However, one day, I sent her another message, and yet again, was left on read. After seeing that she had still been posting on a regular basis, and continuing to see her like and comment on other people’s content, I reached my breaking point with this relationship.
I went to her profile, went to settings, and blocked her.
I did this for several reasons. First, it hurt to see her active on social media while leaving me on read. I couldn’t connect her temporary break from our friendship, with her being active on social media. I couldn’t make it, make sense to me. I couldn’t handle seeing her active on social media, and needed to find a way to avoid seeing her comments and likes on other people’s posts. Second, if she was allowed to make herself distant in the name of mental health recovery, then why couldn’t I? I had the urge to want to fight and argue with her, and at the end of the day, I needed a way to protect myself from launching another argument with her.
Except, in blocking her, I hurt her. In hurting her, our 8-year friendship was over….
I spent several months in therapy working on my abandonment issues and working on my suicidal ideation. In fact, while in therapy, I spent several sessions talking about Katie, and how her avoidant attachment style ended up hurting me. I eventually got to a spot where I unblocked Katie, messaged her, and had a conversation with her. During this conversation, we talked about our feelings, tried to be sensitive while doing so, and eventually found a middle ground.
Over the course of another month or so, we ended up getting into another argument. She confronted me, about how I can’t make people interact with me in the way that I want. I can’t control other’s actions. She stated that trying to force friendships and not giving friends the space they need, can further push them away. I argued that clear communication can avoid issues of feeling ignored, and can create a better understanding between two people. That, closing up on people and shutting them out can create a much larger issue.
She then replied, “Isn’t that what you did to me when you blocked me?”
I stared at my phone and sank into that message.
I realized two things with this interaction: First, we now had resentment against each other. Second, we both felt hurt and we were going in circles. The more we argued, the more awe would be reminded of that resentment. With being reminded of this resentment, my heart re-broke and re-shattered.
This issue was now out of my control, and in that moment, I felt like I had lost something I’d never get back. The bad blood was already there.
I started at my phone all night, and after contemplating what to do next, I decided to send the final blow — the final blow that would allow me to fully mourn and move on from this cosmic connection:
I went to her profile, went to settings, and blocked her for the final time…
While in reflection, and while in therapy, I learned several things:
First, I learned that all friendships come in many different shapes and sizes. There are some friends you go out with on a weekly basis, there are some friends you meet on a semi-monthly basis, and also, there are some friendships where you can go without talking for months and pick everything back up when you see them again — regardless of how much time has passed.
However, what do you do when your entire relationship is based on being 100% virtual?
Well, I learned that some things are the same, and some things are very different. When connecting with people, you don’t truly get a full sense of who they are like you would in person. You don’t see all of their mannerisms, or their micro-gestures, and do not feel the energy from someone when they’re exclusively online. There will always be a certain level of context missing. However, being able to connect, make time for one another, and communicate with one another is all the same. Wanna have a two-hour tea date? It doesn’t entirely matter if it is in person or virtual — it’s the same two hours regardless.
Second, I learned that not every friendship needs a goodbye. Not every cosmic relationship needs to collide with a rogue comet.
I sometimes think about how Katie needed grace, and giving her grace would have been giving her time off from responding to her inbox. Giving Katie grace would have been acknowledging that her mental health was specific to her, and although I might not have understood it, I could have accepted it.
However, I was in a period of my life where being socially isolated was ruining my mental health, and my needs collided her emotional needs.
When the needs of two people collide, then it’s no one’s fault. I mean, after all, people are destined to change after 8 years, right?
However, I’m not built that way. I wish I could be the person who would be okay with being ghosted by a friend, I wish I was the person who could accept avoidant-attachment styles, and keep the door open for the said person whenever they’re ready to come back. I wish I wouldn’t have to feel lonely when I feel hurt by a friend, and above all else, I wish I was the kind of person who still got to have a friendship with Katie.
But, I’m not.
Regardless of what I wish, I know that within myself, I’ll never be okay to being ghosted by people who are close to me. I’ll never be okay with being cut out of a friend's life, and to add, I’ll never be okay with feeling abandoned when my friends make clear they do not need me.
Maybe these are things I need to continue working on. Maybe I have too many scars caused by people dropping out of my life overnight, that I can manage it but won’t be able to 100% fix it.
Maybe I was self-destructive. But, maybe that self-distruction was rooted in wanting to avoid getting hurt again.
But, I got hurt regardless. So what is it all for….
Dear reader, thank you for reaching the end of this week’s Spilling The Tea. Although we all have failed friendships in our past, it doesn’t mean we don’t deserve another chance to have that cosmic spark. Maybe that cosmic connection I once had with Katie is gone forever. However, what you and I have is quite special, isn’t it?
What if the conection you and I have, is a cosmic connection in itself? The universe brought us together for this moment -- for you and me to connect through this post.
Until I see you next week, try to remember that if you lose an astronomical love and connection, it doesn’t mean we can’t ever find that kind of otherworldly love again…
With all the love and respect in this universe,
~Cody
Aka The Oolong Drink
“Blissfully Tea Drunk"
