Spilling The Tea, Part 2: Killing Your Ex

Spilling The Tea Part 2:

Killing Your Ex

~

Hello hello!

Welcome back, reader! How was your week? Are you managing the summer heat? 

Well, as a quick update, things got heated heated for me after last week’s debut. You see, after posting last week’s edition of this eight-part series, I got an angry phone call from two of my friends — the same friends who were also close to last week’s antagonist. They called me and said, “Although what Lilly did to you was friendship-ending, and she was definitley in the wrong — talking about it and posting it to your blog is worse, and mean-spirited.”

This friend also said if he read an entire editorial about how he wronged a friend, he would kill himself. He also said that given that I had tried to commit suicide before in my past, I should know how devastating it would make someone feel by talking about them on my blog.

“She’s my friend, so in turn, I take offense for her,” is what one of the texts said. 

First and foremost, I kicked the lot of them to the curb and removed them from my life. They had no right weaponizing my past suicide attempt against me, for their narcissism. Second, this blog series is not about some holy retribution for getting even with every antagonist in my life. This series is not about outing people for being crummy, and above all else, this series is not about winning any sort of award or endgame. Like I said last week, this series is about healing. This series is about learning. Lastly, this series is about growing from my past mistakes and sharing it with you — the reader. So, if the truth hurts you, then be prepared to get hurt, because I will pledge allegiance to the truth and nothing but.

So now, sharpen your knives and polish your swords, and let’s move on to today’s editorial: Killing our exes.

First, let’s introduce Jacob. 

Jacob and I met on a dating app. Jacob was my height, my age, also lived in the suburbs.  Most importantly, Jacob was another gay boy who moved to Colorado from Missouri -- just like me. He was attractive, nerdy, and conventionally ‘cute as fuck’.  

We chatted for several days, and after several days, I asked him out. 

He was busy for the next few weeks, so, we made a date for weeks out. 

After having a successful date, he invited me over to his place to have a movie night. Except, two weeks after that,because he was busy and had a lot of plans already in the works. 

Two weeks later, I came over. We watched a movie, we cuddled, and when the movie ended — I tried to make a move on him. When I did, he quickly stood up and announced that he had a virtual game night planned and I was to go home. He showed me the door before logging onto a gaming PC, and starting his game night. I started to feel wary about him, because, when someone invites you to ‘stay the night over to watch a movie’ indicates you’re staying over. To him, apparently it only meant the duration of Dune. 

Until over two weeks later when he came over to my apartment and spent an evening together. The morning after, I asked him to be my boyfriend and he said yes. 

After 6 weeks of being patient, finally paid off. 

Eventually, I asked if I could start seeing him more frequently. I mean, after all, I had been seeing my new boyfriend for almost two months and only ‘dated’ him three times. But, I made myself patient because patience is a virtue, isn’t it?

Well, after a few months of seeing him only on Saturdays, I asked if we could see each other throughout the week, and he happily said yes. Another few months went by, and I got the news that I was moving twenty miles south — which would put me close to his part of town. Our forty-five-minute drive to see each other, now turned into a twenty-minute drive to see each other. There for a while, things were going smoothly.

Since things were going smoothly, I started asking him about meeting his family and meeting his friends. He agreed for me to meet his family, and eventually, we flew to Missouri twice together so I could meet his parents.

However, when we got back home, I started asking if I could meet his friends, and go to some of his favorite hangout spots in the city — including his favorite bar & restaurants. Every time, he’d answer, “It’s hard to see my friends and to go to my favorite places because it’s in the city. I don’t wanna show you my favorite bar because I live too far from it, and can’t drink if we go...” 

Which, was an odd excuse because these were friends and these were places he frequented on a very regular basis. He’d meet his friends in the city, attend gay-centric events, and go to gay-friendly places regularly.

If anything, I just wanted to be a part of his everyday life here. He did invite me and flew me out to meet his parents, so why couldn’t I be a part of his social life? 

Then, suddenly, the first crack that inevitably shattered our relationship appeared out of nowhere: He announced that his best friend from college would be moving to Colorado. He announced that he wanted to move out of the suburbs, and into downtown, with his best friend as his roommate. He also announced that his friends would be visiting beforehand to apartment look before moving down. 

When Jacob’s friends arrived, he took them out to the city. He showed them some of his favored places in the city, showed them some of his favorite restaurants, and took them to his favorite gay-friendly bar. He also announced that he wanted a weekend with his friends, and I could meet them on their last day in Colorado because he wanted ‘me time’ with his friends. 

After six months of dating him, I did the very classy thing of ‘losing my shit’. 

We had a fight. I confronted him about his weird avoidant-attachment style and we argued about how I was being compartmentalized in his life. After a bit of back and forth, he agreed to let me join them for the rest of their outings. To add, wanna know the best compromise of all? We started building resentment towards each other. 

After his friends left, I asked him to show me some of the places that he showed them. When I did, I was met with resistance. I got told no and was told the same excuses I had been told before. A month later, we had another argument over it, and despite it, he said if I wanted to partake in his social life, I’d just have to wait until he moved into the city. If I'd be patient and waited until he moved into the city, then I would be able to go on dates with him to some of his favorite places — including the places he showed his friends. 

After his friends left, I helped him find an apartment above one of my favorite milk tea shops in the city, helped him pack, and helped him move. The week of the move, he had a mental health crisis. He mentally slipped into a panic due to moving because before that point, his parents funded and moved him — for him. His parents traveled to help him get settled. Despite being 27 years old, this was the very first time he was doing something like this on his own. No matter how much I tried to convince him I was there for him, he closed up. 

I just told myself to be patient, because patience is a virtue, right?

Well, the weekend he moved, he screamed at me. He shouted at me for packing wrong. And he shouted at me for cleaning things wrong… 

I bit my tongue and gave him more patience. I tried to look past his mental health crisis, and helped him until his move was over…

Once his move ended, I asked him about going out since he was now in the city once and for all. For four more weeks, he kept saying “I need to unpack, and I need to settle and explore on my own.” 

Then, the final weekend arrived when his new roommate would be moving down from South Carolina to move in with him. He announced that his best friend was bringing a few people with him to help move, and Jacob wanted to show them the gay-friendly bar that he frequented while they were all over.

I snapped. 

I told him that I didn’t want to be with him anymore. We got into an argument, and after getting into a heated argument, he grabbed my arms, pushed me, and slammed me against the wall. I hit my head on the wall, reached my leg up, and kicked him off. I packed my backpack, walked out of his apartment, and walked out of his life. 

For over a week, I called in sick to work and hid out in my apartment. At the time, I was ashamed that I’d ever be in a position where a partner would hurt me. I was embarrassed that I put my trust in him. Lastly, I was ashamed of the hand-print marks that were left on my wrists, and didn’t want anyone to see them…

However, after several months of hiding out in my apartment, I started going out again. I started exercising regularly again and tried to build my confidence. 

Expert, for one weekend, a few friends and I went out to Downtown Denver to celebrate my birthday. I parked downtown, waited at a crosswalk, and looked across the street to see Jacob standing waiting at the crosswalk with his new roommate. 

I quickly ran across the street and hid in the shuffle of traffic and pedestrians, before he could see me. 

A few months later, I went to Downtown Denver to meet friends for tea. Across the street, I saw Jacob. 

After that, I quit visiting the city for a bit. It wouldn’t be until 8 months later, that a few friends flew into Denver to spend an extended weekend with me. Part of our trip was to visit downtown Denver. 

When visiting Downtown Denver, we all went to my favorite milk tea shop together. When going, we walked up and saw Jacob. Jacob looked up at me and made eye contact with me. While making eye contact, I stopped in place, turned around, and walked away from the area. 

I actually had a panic attack. While my friends comforted me, they reminded me that Jacob was just Jacob. He is not any more of a human than I was. 

So, why was I giving the memory of him this much power? 

First and foremost, seeing your ex in public is never fun. Nobody, gay or straight, doesn’t necessarily enjoy seeing their ex anywhere after the relationship fails.

Second, I also learned that I can’t stop living my life in fear due to someone else living their life, as well. Just because our relationship failed, doesn’t mean my enjoyment out of Denver had to fail as well.

After my friends confronted me, and after they left the city, I started re-analyzing my relationship with Jacob. In reflection, I realized that Jacob was not in the right place to be dating someone. Jacob didn’t know he was doing this, but he was only looking for a connection to help hold him over until he relocated to Downtown Denver. I mean, isn’t it obvious? When someone is moving to a new city with their best friend, and ready to go out and party, they are not necessarily in the right frame of mind to seriously date. 

In self-reflection, I also learned that anytime our relationship advanced forward, it was because I initiated it. Any connection and any romance was initiated, because I pursued him. 

I also remember about how I almost broke up with him, over his trip to South Dakota. He went to a family funeral for over two weeks in South Dakota, and his birthday fell on one of the days of his trip. When I asked to call him on his birthday, and he wouldn’t let me call him because, according to him, “This trip is not about my birthday, it’s about my family.” Funny enough, later that night, his mom posted photos on Social Media about how the entire family of 30 people,  threw a surprise birthday party for Jacob… 

While remembering the South Dakota incident, I learned that patience is not always a virtue. The act of patience quits being a virtue when you allow someone to take advantage of it.

I learned that it is completely okay to pursue someone in a relationship, however, they need to be pursuing you back as well. It takes two people to carry the weight of a relationship. No amount of patience and no amount of grace will ever make the other person want to ‘want’ you back.

Lastly, I learned that anytime I meet anyone in dating with an avoidant attachment style, I am running fast in the other direction. Although it is healthy for some people, it is actualy toxic for me.  

However, I was still left with one issue: How do I go out in public and not be affected by seeing Jacob?

Well, simply, I had to kill him.

Not literally, of course. But, emotionally? I had to make him dead to me. Although the relationship was 8 months behind me, I was still keeping it alive. I was keeping it alive because, despite the bad times, we actually had a lot of good times.We had love, romance, and a lot of special memories that were shared between us. It’s only human to want to remember the good times, right?

Well, of course it is. 

However, humans are not black-and-white. You can’t always take the good out of one thing, and ignore the bad. Jacob was a complex human being, and as much as I wanted there to remember only good times, the bad times still happened. He still put his hands on me. He still hurt me. 

So I took all of the good times, and I took the bad times, and let those feelings go. I killed those negative feelings by going to the gym. I killed those feelings by going to dinner by myself. And I killed more of those feelings by taking care of myself. Eventually, I found my own self-worth, and did it until he was eventually dead to me.

Loving myself, and taking care of myself, is how I managed to move on from the hole he left in my heart and move on.

So, why am I bringing this up now? 

I’ve been going to the same gay bar that he had frequented. You know, the same one that he enjoyed but refused to take me to? For the past few months, I had been going there on a semi-regular basis to watch drag shows.

Last week, I walked up to the bar and ordered a drink. When I did, I noticed someone walking up to the bar beside me in my peripheral vision. I looked over, and it was Jacob. He was standing at the bar, trying to ignore that I looked at him. He glanced over at me and smiled. I glanced over at him, and to my own surprise even, I smiled back. 

I paid the bartender, took my drink, and walked back into the bar. 

I walked away, and for the first time since our break-up, I can confidently say, this was the very first time that I felt nothing….

Thank you reader for going down this path with me. I’m really grateful that you came back after last week’s post, and can’t wait to chat with you again next week.

Until then, take care of yourself. Most importantly, don’t forget to do something this week that will show yourself, that you love yourself.

Best wishes,

~Cody

Aka The Oolong Drunk

“Blissfully Tea Drunk”